Are you a writer? If you are, then you’ve probably written a book or something. Something probably pretty amazing. Or maybe really bad but hey, trust me it will get there. Hint: Kill the character. It will work so much better. Or throw in knitting motifs. Everyone loves knitting. Put in both and you’re guaranteed Greatest Gen and Baby Boomer readership!
However, whether if it’s ready to go or on its 5,000 edit, there is the possibility that said future award winning oeuvre is still lacking a title. And that fact is really turning into a problem. Believe me, we’ve been there. You just can’t name the thing. It bothers you, waking you up at night and while you pee. It’s painful. However, you should be relieved to know it is quite a common condition, one you should never be ashamed of. We’re here today ready to help.
How can you find the best title for your piece? Luckily there are many routes you can take for optimum shelf appeal and cash grab-ability (hotcha). Locations are always a hit, especially if you’re going for beach-house chic (e.g. Lush Lagoon). A most practical method is pulling from a key line of description (e.g. Peacock Eyelids or Civet Perfume). You can also try pulling from a piece of dialogue ( e.g. I Knew Him More Than A Reflection). For panache you could do the main character’s name plus something, an object or action relating to the piece (e.g. Janelle’s Swim, Bartleby’s Stethoscope, Anna’s Wooden Clogs). As always, an abstraction of what happens in the narrative is usually effective and intriguing (e.g. Slinky Kinky Aspirations). There’s also the route of using an obscure jazz song or movie titles that may thematically fit along with a pun (e.g. Solid Potato Salad, Gone With The Febreeze). Extra points if the pun has to do with cats, again knitting, or a baked good. Of course if all else fails no one can resist the "one word heavyweight" (e.g. Malformation).
For those title-less writers in need who’d rather not think, we have done a lot of exhaustive research (like a whole…thirty minutes worth) and pulled from library circulation experience to compile a list of 100 surefire “Best Seller” book titles tailor-made for you and your work. Will it have anything to do with what you’ve written? Probably not, but man will it be snazzy looking.For those who are writers but are currently manuscript-less, don’t feel anxious that this list won’t be helpful to you, feel free to use these titles as inspiration for your own work. We want to see all of these on our library shelves.
*Disclaimer: This list is purely for comedy purposes and any book or text already in publication that carries these names, congratulations you’re amazing, brilliant and we don’t mean to besmirch your work. Our use of your work’s title is purely coincidental. Let’s go get snowballs sometime.
100 TITLES FOR YOU:
Kitten Needles
The Heir’s Hairdresser
Okay, So
Smoking During Surgery
Man Smell
Funny You Should Mention Her
Vampire’s Benediction
Call and Order Now
Whelmed
Pepper Perfect
Gates to Olive
And Then What?
Tidal Sworn
Hot Griddles
Mind The Rebellion
A Cricket Cries For Naught
Obvious Suffering
Gelatin Wobbling
I Swore Up And Down
Felled Stairs
2 Lambbs 4 Tygas
Fortuna
Malice: The Return of Ayn Rand
Hot Sauce Haughty
Paradise Lemons
Anxious Iago
Paul Newman Blue
Technobabble
Did You Just Drink That?
Sage Among Roses
The Movie Version Will Be Rated R
Marian’s Comb
Be My Editor
When Cacti Wither
Why Aren’t I Natalie Wood?
Notice Me (The Sequel)
They Uttered Nyah
Only Orion Left
19 Lawsuits & Counting
Sempervivum
Mary Higgins Clark On The Run
Clockwork Sister and Sun
Hippolyta In Kokomo
In Another’s Agony
Nourish
Depression-Pasillo
Antigone: That Bitch Won’t Quit, And Other Greek Plays
A Wanna Hat With Cherries
They Asked Me To
I Hope You Didn’t Invest Too Much (In Him)
Plastic Bag Picnic
Chicken Church
Sophia Loren Would Love Me
What Lilliputian’s Wore
Vases, Spilled
Sticky Melon Water
Stop Yelling, Guy Fieri: My Summer on Food Network
I’m Dying (Not Really) And I Want To Go Home
Pineapple Weather
Like Eartha Kitt in Anna Lucasta
Playground of Justice
I’ve Chewed Off Too Much
Frog Chorus
Out of Avenues I’ve Been
I Saw It Somewhere (Probably Online)
Hypnos
An Affair In Progress
Soap Rings
Whatever, Ya Know?
A Book About Brunch
Grotesque Arches
I Am Gibraltar
Reading Jugend Alone
Where’s My Retcon?
The Wall Outlet
Goodbye To Cropped Front Pleat Trousers
How Do You Poop Catdog?
Something Topical
I Was A Teenage Cave Woman
Running From Britta
Cloven Hereafter
I’m All Chewed Up About It
Trash Manor
A Tardy Librarian
A Blouse By Schiaparelli
Mulliganville
Wood
Elephant Waltz
An Undercut Like Superboy
Alligator Zoetrope
Here! In the Wychwoods
You Better Strip Polka
Crime Show(off)
Sounds Like 80’s Synth
June, July, and August
Patterns of Pomegranates
Save Your Gut Pure Local Honey
Better Bitter Than Sorry
Wings Are From Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo
Have fun - go create